Do you comfort your best friend? How to comfort a friend?

Witnessing the pain and distress of others is painful for many people. When a friend is crying and speechless, how should we suppress his inner unease and doubts, listen to and soothe his psychological pain and anxiety? Do we have the ability to accept help from others calmly? At such a time, what should we say? Say”? Psychologists teach you how to comfort a friend?

1. To accept the other’s world The biggest obstacle to comforting people is often that the comforter cannot understand, appreciate, and agree with the distress that the client thinks. It is easy for people to limit the definition of suffering to the range that they can understand. Because they do not agree with what others say about “suffering”, comforters tend to resist in the process of listening and can’t wait to put forward their own opinions. Therefore, the comforter needs to let go of his ingrained ideas, admit his own prejudices, and truly see the problems he faces from the other person’s point of view. This is what psychologists say, “let go of your own world and accept someone else’s world”. The best comforter is to temporarily let go of yourself, walk into the other person’s inner world, and use his eyes to see what happened to him without making judgments.
2. Listen to the distress of the other party. Due to the difference in life experience, family background, education, etc., each person has a different understanding of distress. Therefore, when trying to comfort a person, first understand his distress. To comfort people, listening is more important than talking. A depressed heart needs gentle listening ears, not logically sharp, organized heads. Listening is to use our ears and hearts to listen to the other person’s voice. Don’t ask about the cause and effect of things, and don’t rush to make judgments. You should give the other person space so that he can express his feelings freely. When listening, we must empathize, and the other person will perceive the fluctuations in our hearts. If we can “sorrow his grief and rejoice in his happiness” about his experience, for the comfortee, this is the best help for him.
3. To explore the way the other party has traveled. Comforters often feel that they are obliged to propose solutions for the other party. As everyone knows, almost every person who is tormented by distress has a series of continuous attempts and failures before seeking comfort. So, all we have to do is to explore the other side’s path, understand his struggle experience, let him be heard, understood, recognized, and tell him that he has done enough and good enough, this is a kind of comfort . Psychologists remind comforters of an important concept: “Comfort is not the same as treatment. Treatment is to make people change, and to cut off suffering through change; while comfort is to affirm their suffering and not try to make an attempt to cut off their suffering.” In fact, in the process of comforting a person, any solution provided is likely to fail or be inapplicable, causing the other person to be disappointed again. Therefore, without intervening or giving insight, listening, understanding and agreeing with their distress is comfort. the highest principle. In addition, it is also a comfort to accompany each other for a ride. The other party will feel safe and warm in your company, so he will talk about his pain, his resentment, self-blame, regret, and everything he wants to say. After he has experienced the storm, he will gradually calm down and face himself calmly. He will sincerely thank you for your company and feel that he has come by his own strength.
4. Stand up bravely No matter what situation you are in, it’s okay to feel embarrassed that you don’t know what to say; it’s okay to let the people we want to help know how we feel. You can even honestly say, “I don’t know how you feel, and I don’t know what to say, but I really care about you.” Even if you find this expression ridiculous, you can still let the other person know that you’re not in a hurry Talk to him “now”. You may choose to express feelings and thoughts in writing. In addition to verbal expressions, there are many different forms of “therapeutic dialogue”.
5. Put yourself in the shoes and take the initiative to help When we ask, “Is there anything I can do to help?” Sometimes there is an answer, and sometimes they don’t know what kind of help they need. However, people sometimes can’t talk about their real needs. Putting oneself in the shoes of oneself and considering the assistance people may need is the first step in helping others effectively.