Effective communication goes beyond words—it’s the pauses between them that can truly transform relationships. This idea fascinates me, especially in my role as a family therapist. Over the years, I’ve seen how these pauses create new possibilities, allowing us to hear information we might otherwise miss. These moments of stillness are not just an absence of sound; they are vital spaces that nurture new, unexpected dialogues.
In my experience, these pauses are central to what I call an “ecology of communication,” a concept I developed through years of observing and participating in interpersonal exchanges. This “ecology” mirrors how nature works, where the whole is always more than the sum of its parts. Pausing opens a space for conflict resolution and understanding, much like how the gaps between inductive and deductive reasoning allow us to see things from a broader perspective.
Bruce Lipton, in his book Biology of Belief, explains that our subconscious mind processes information at a ratio of millions to one compared to our conscious mind. This highlights how much of our communication happens beneath the surface, waiting for the right pause to bring it to light.
However, conflict is an everyday reality, and when left unchecked, it often leads to polarization. Gregory Bateson coined the term “schismogenesis” to describe this process, where divisions grow deeper the more two sides engage in adversarial behavior. These patterns can be symmetrical, like an escalating arms race, or complementary, such as one person dominating and the other submitting.
Regardless of the form, these dynamics can be damaging. But this is where the power of pausing becomes apparent. Pauses allow for a shift in perspective, opening the door to creative solutions. As any artist can attest, conflict often sparks creativity, and through nature’s process of balance, what appears messy can also be beautiful.
Pausing is an opportunity for transition. It helps break the cycle of unresolved conflict, offering space for new ideas to surface. It’s a random yet profound moment of chance that can lead to deeper understanding and new possibilities.
Recently, I had the opportunity to lead a discussion on Janet Planet, a film written and directed by Annie Baker. The film explores the complex, often uncomfortable interactions between a single mother and her ten-year-old daughter. Baker masterfully uses long pauses between the characters to highlight the emotional undercurrents of their relationship. The film also features other significant characters and intentionally disjointed vignettes that challenge traditional cinematic flow.
By deliberately avoiding seamless transitions between scenes, Baker creates a sense of discomfort, forcing the audience to reflect on what might be happening beneath the surface. The pauses in the film echo the broader theme of communication—sometimes, what’s not said is just as important as what is.
Baker’s use of pauses in the film reminds us that communication is not just about content. As anthropologist Gregory Bateson often said, “It takes two to know one.” In other words, understanding emerges through the interaction of contexts. This is the essence of the transcontextual process, where different contexts—personal, social, environmental—interact to create complex, interdependent systems.
In therapy, I often use an exercise to demonstrate this process. It involves having couples practice “coherent breathing,” developed by Stephen Elliott, to calm their vagus nerve—the nerve associated with compassion and security. Afterward, they expand their focus from their immediate problems to the larger contexts of their community and the world around them. This exercise helps them gain new perspectives, which they then share in a way that fosters mutual understanding.
Every time I’ve used this exercise, the result has been the same: a fresh, valuable perspective that helps couples navigate their challenges with a deeper sense of connection.
So, the next time you engage in a conversation, remember the power of pausing. Allow space for the hidden insights to surface, and embrace the unpredictability that comes with it. In doing so, you create the potential for deeper interconnection and new possibilities.
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