In the past, survival often depended on being stronger and more aggressive. But in today’s world, especially in relationships, success depends more on cooperation. When conflicts arise between partners, stress can quickly turn disagreements into heated arguments. However, there is a healthier, more effective approach: calm, respectful communication that focuses on finding solutions together.
One expert, psychologist Harriet Lerner, recently wrote a post titled “My Partner and I Can’t Stop the Fighting.” While insightful overall, one paragraph raised concerns. In it, she repeated a widely accepted belief: that couples should aim to “fight fair” when addressing problems. But is fighting—fair or not—really necessary?
According to some marriage experts, including the author of this article, the answer is no. Fighting of any kind is a sign of a breakdown in partnership. It shifts couples from being teammates to being opponents. Even when done “fairly,” arguing is still adversarial. It focuses on winning, not on understanding each other.
Instead, emotionally mature couples take a different route. When emotions run high, they pause. They calm down. Then, they return to the issue with a mindset of cooperation. The goal is not to argue, but to talk together, listen well, and find a solution that feels good to both.
Relationship researcher John Gottman once told an audience, “Of course we all know that all couples fight.” While this may reflect a common belief, it shouldn’t be taken as advice. Just because conflict is normal doesn’t mean fighting is the best way to handle it.
The better approach? Don’t fight—collaborate. When couples shift from trying to win to trying to understand each other, they create stronger, healthier relationships. Conflicts then become opportunities for connection, not causes of division.
Consider a simple example: One partner wants ice cream after dinner, but the other is on a diet. That’s a conflict, but not a crisis. It’s a chance to talk, understand each other’s needs, and find a win-win plan—maybe the dieter leaves the room, or maybe they both agree to a healthier dessert.
Whether the issue is small, like what to eat, or serious, like financial troubles or infidelity, the principle remains the same. Fighting is a sign that cooperation has failed. It doesn’t have to be that way.
Couples can learn and use collaborative dialogue skills. This means listening with empathy, sharing concerns respectfully, and solving problems side-by-side rather than head-to-head. Even if only one partner adopts this mindset, it can change the whole dynamic. But when both do, it creates a truly cooperative partnership.
Some people believe certain problems are too big to resolve. But usually, the real issue is not the problem itself—it’s how couples are trying to solve it. If both people are calm, open-minded, and willing to talk things through, most issues can be worked out.
So here’s the advice in simple steps:
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Stay calm. Don’t try to talk when emotions are too high.
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Use collaborative skills. Practice respectful speaking and deep listening.
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Face the problem together. Sit side-by-side and tackle the issue as a team.
In the end, marriage isn’t about who wins arguments. It’s about building understanding, trust, and lasting love. When handled the right way, even conflicts can bring couples closer.
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