A narcissist rarely appears self-centered or manipulative at the start of a relationship. In fact, they often come across as thoughtful, supportive, and completely in tune with your values. But over time, their behavior shifts dramatically, leaving you wondering how the person you fell for became someone so different. There are three common ways narcissists manipulate people early in a relationship that can explain this transformation.
The first tactic is mirroring. In the beginning, a narcissist tends to agree with your opinions and values, making it seem like the two of you are deeply compatible. This creates a sense of connection and trust. You may feel like they truly understand you. However, this often turns out to be a strategy to pull you in. Once the relationship becomes more stable or serious, their true priorities begin to show—often in stark contrast to what they originally presented.
For example, Taylor and Finley had similar values when they were dating. They both disliked materialism and were committed to saving money. But after marriage and having children, Taylor unexpectedly bought an expensive sports car without discussing it. When Finley expressed concern, Taylor justified the decision by saying she deserved it. This marked a clear departure from their previous shared goals and left Finley feeling confused and betrayed. This type of shift is common in relationships with narcissists, who may only pretend to share your values to secure the relationship.
The second tactic is validation of your core qualities. Narcissists may initially admire traits like kindness, empathy, or generosity. These compliments can make you feel deeply loved and appreciated. But as the relationship progresses, they may begin to see those same traits as weaknesses—especially when they don’t benefit directly from them. This can be both confusing and painful.
Lisa thought Tom loved her because of her big heart. One weekend, they went camping with friends, and Lisa offered to share her meal when someone forgot theirs. Tom became angry, saying she was being irresponsible and forbade her from sharing, even though the food was hers. Lisa was shocked at Tom’s reaction, especially because she was simply trying to help someone in need. Over time, Tom began labeling Lisa’s kindness as a flaw, even though it was something he once praised. Narcissists often turn what they initially admired into something they criticize, using those traits as a way to diminish their partner’s confidence.
The third tactic is stepping in during your vulnerable moments. Narcissists often enter your life when you are going through a difficult time. They offer support and seem emotionally available, which can feel comforting and safe. However, this support may not come from a place of empathy but from a desire for control. Being the one who helps you in a crisis gives them power in the relationship. Later, when you continue to express emotional needs, they may become impatient, critical, or dismissive.
Ben met Rick during a tough divorce. Rick was supportive when others weren’t, and Ben believed he had found someone who truly cared. But as the months passed, Rick began reacting negatively when Ben brought up difficult topics. His responses became cold and dismissive, telling Ben he was too emotional or that he needed to move on. The support that once felt genuine started to look more like manipulation. Rick’s attitude revealed a lack of empathy that had been hidden in the early phase of the relationship.
These three tactics—mirroring values, validating then criticizing personal traits, and offering early support to gain control—are common signs of narcissistic behavior in relationships. Recognizing these patterns is important. It can help you avoid becoming trapped in a harmful dynamic or make sense of a relationship that suddenly feels wrong. If you find yourself dealing with a narcissist, educating yourself on their behavior is a vital step. A resource like How to Outsmart a Narcissist: Use Emotional Intelligence to Regain Control at Home, at Work, and in Life can offer tools and strategies for regaining clarity and emotional strength.
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