Love is often described as the most powerful emotion in the human experience. It brings comfort, joy, and a deep sense of connection. For many people, living in love is one of life’s greatest goals. But while falling in love can feel magical, making it last is another story altogether.
Despite our hopes and efforts, relationships often struggle. In the U.S., nearly half of all marriages end in divorce. And that statistic doesn’t even account for couples who live together without marrying—relationships that often have an even higher chance of falling apart.
Why do relationships fail, even when love is strong? Relationship expert Diane Sollee believes the problem isn’t a lack of effort, but a lack of understanding.
The Problem Isn’t Love—It’s Misinformation
“Everyone wants their relationship to work,” says Diane Sollee, a licensed social worker and founder of Smartmarriages, an organization that helps couples build lasting love. “People aren’t breaking up because they don’t care. They’re breaking up because they don’t have the right tools or the right information.”
Sollee argues that much of what we believe about love and marriage is simply wrong. These unrealistic beliefs make it harder to build lasting, healthy relationships.
Common Myths About Marriage
One of the biggest myths, says Sollee, is that marriage automatically makes you happy. “Marriage makes you married,” she explains. “It changes your role in society, but it doesn’t guarantee happiness.”
Another false belief is the idea that love is all about finding the “perfect” person—your soulmate or missing half. While that idea sounds romantic, Sollee says it’s unrealistic. In real life, marriage is about teamwork between two very different people.
“Marriage is a team sport,” she says. “It’s two people with two separate minds who choose to go the distance together. That’s the beauty of it.”
Why Disagreement Is Normal
Many couples believe that if they’ve found the right partner, they won’t argue. But Sollee says that’s just not true. Even in strong marriages, disagreements are normal. The difference lies in how couples handle them.
Couples need to learn how to express differences in a way that doesn’t damage the relationship. Sollee suggests a simple approach: Don’t start with criticism. Don’t show contempt. Instead, begin by saying something positive, then calmly share what you’d like to change.
The Reality of Growth and Change
Even if you marry the “perfect” person, life doesn’t stay the same. People grow, change, and go through unexpected experiences. According to Sollee, this isn’t a problem—it’s a natural part of life.
A lasting relationship isn’t about finding someone who never changes. It’s about having the skills to stay connected through those changes. Couples need to keep talking about their dreams, needs, and new ideas. Staying curious about each other is key.
Building Strong Communication Skills
To make a relationship work long-term, both partners need good communication skills. That means having honest conversations, listening carefully, and checking in often. Couples should make time to talk about what’s happening in their lives—not just the daily routine, but the thoughts and feelings behind it.
This ongoing exchange keeps the relationship strong. Without it, couples can grow apart without even realizing it.
Knowing the Road Ahead
Another important piece of advice from Sollee is to understand the typical “bumps” in the road of marriage. Many couples think problems mean their relationship is failing. But Sollee says some challenges are completely normal—and even predictable.
Here are the key turning points to watch for:
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The first two years: This is when couples are building a new life together. It’s also when divorce rates are highest. “You’re creating a new civilization,” says Sollee.
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The birth of the first child: Having a baby changes everything. It often brings new stress and disagreement.
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When the child starts school: Suddenly, your parenting style is under a spotlight. “When report cards come home, it’s not just about the child—it’s about the parents’ relationship,” says Sollee.
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Raising teenagers: This phase brings intense parenting challenges. It can also lead to more conflict between partners.
Marriage Is a Skill—Not Luck
At every stage, couples must learn to adapt and work together in new ways. That’s why Sollee says successful marriage isn’t about luck. “Marriage is about mastery,” she insists.
This means building and using relationship skills—like conflict resolution, empathy, and patience—especially during hard times.
The Rewards of Doing the Work
The good news is that when couples learn these skills, the relationship becomes stronger—and so do the individuals within it. “When you know you have the tools to make love last, you feel more hopeful and energized,” says Sollee.
Couples who invest in their relationship often find they’re not just surviving, but thriving. Their connection deepens, and life feels more meaningful because of it.
Summary
Love may be powerful, but lasting relationships need more than emotion—they need effort, communication, and skill. By letting go of romantic myths and focusing on real-life strategies, couples can build a partnership that grows stronger over time.
As Diane Sollee reminds us, it’s not about luck. It’s about learning how to love well—and committing to keep learning together.
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