When romantic relationships hit a rough patch, many people turn to someone other than their partner for support. A recent national survey found that 63 percent of respondents had confided in a third party about problems in a long-term relationship. Meanwhile, 73 percent said someone had turned to them for help with relationship issues.
The concerns people shared ranged widely. Some reported serious challenges like infidelity or substance abuse, often referred to as “hard problems.” Others spoke of more common but painful issues—like drifting apart or struggling with communication—known as “soft problems.”
What Makes a Good Listener?
Marriage and family therapist Kirsten Lind Seal and her colleagues wanted to dig deeper. They asked: what do people say when someone confides in them—and does it actually help?
According to their findings, not all support is created equal.
Some people—often with good intentions—end up doing more harm than good. Poor responses often include:
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Giving too much advice
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Talking too much about themselves
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Criticizing the confider’s partner too harshly
These kinds of reactions can make the person feel judged or misunderstood, and they rarely improve the situation.
What Really Helps? A Listening Ear
The study found that the most helpful responses were much simpler. People valued emotional support and help gaining a new perspective. But above all, the response they appreciated most was straightforward: just listening.
When someone is going through a relationship issue, they often don’t need immediate solutions. They need space to express their feelings, sort out their thoughts, and feel understood. A calm, nonjudgmental presence can do more than any piece of advice.
Supporting Each Other Better
So, next time a friend or family member confides in you about a relationship problem, consider holding back on the advice—at least at first. Instead, offer a safe space to talk. Reflect back what they’re saying. Show empathy. Ask gentle questions if needed.
It turns out the best thing you can say might be very little. Sometimes, just being there is enough.
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