In my university days, I worked as a waiter at a 50s-style diner in Toronto. It was a job I enjoyed, and it offered a chance to make good money while enjoying free burgers. More importantly, I learned the value of working with people you like. The friendships I made there seemed natural and part of the job.
Years later, as a university professor and executive educator, I came to understand that having positive relationships at work is crucial for a productive workplace. Studies show that friendships in the workplace lead to greater job satisfaction, innovation, and engagement. Surprisingly, this insight contradicts what I have often heard in my career: “We don’t have to be friends with our coworkers!”
While I understand this perspective, it is ultimately unhelpful in creating a positive and effective work environment.
The Different Types of Workplace Friendships
Around 30% of North Americans have a best friend at work. Many more have other kinds of work friendships, though not as deep as “best friends.” Work relationships can exist on a spectrum, and it’s helpful to understand these different levels when deciding where to invest our energy.
Psychological research has long recognized the value of various types of workplace friendships. Drawing on my experience working with thousands of managers and leaders, I’ve created a framework called “The Hierarchy of Workplace Friendlies.”
The Hierarchy of Workplace Friendliness
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Workplace Best Friend: This is a very close, platonic relationship with a colleague where trust, disclosure, and emotional support are central. These friends often have each other’s backs, and their bond is strong enough to persist beyond the workplace.
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Workplace Close Friendly: While not as intimate as a best friend, this person is someone with whom you form a strong connection. You may continue your friendship even after leaving the job.
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Workplace Friendly: A lighter version of the close friendly, this relationship involves some trust and camaraderie, but it’s mostly confined to work. These friends share occasional chats and small talk but don’t typically continue the friendship outside the office.
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Co-Worker Acquaintance: This is a casual relationship with someone you know from work. You may greet them in passing but don’t share personal information.
What’s Realistic in a Workplace?
While the best friend relationship has clear benefits, it is also rare and challenging to maintain. Expecting every coworker to become your closest friend is unrealistic. On the other hand, a co-worker acquaintance is unlikely to offer any of the benefits associated with stronger workplace friendships, such as enhanced creativity or psychological safety.
In 1945, Elton Mayo recognized that social-emotional connections at work are essential for performance. However, simply exchanging information is not enough. Genuine emotional exchanges can foster a deeper sense of connection, which leads to better workplace outcomes.
The workplace close friendly and workplace friendly relationships strike the right balance between personal connection and professional distance. While both require some investment, they are less emotionally draining than the best friend relationship.
The Emotional Challenges of Workplace Friendships
Forming friendships at work can be emotionally taxing. The necessary trust and disclosure require time and energy, and there are risks involved. I recall an HR vice president who, early in his career, was advised not to become friends with his staff, especially because it might complicate difficult decisions, such as firing them. Despite this advice, he chose to form friendly relationships with colleagues. When he had to let one of them go, he felt guilty and saddened. Nevertheless, he still believed the benefits of having work friendships outweighed the costs.
Should We Expect Friendships at Work?
We should not expect to be friends with everyone at work. However, seeking at least a workplace friendly relationship is worthwhile. Simply remaining distant from colleagues is not a productive strategy. In fact, cultivating a workplace friendly relationship can lead to greater job satisfaction and career success.
Dealing with Unpleasant Coworkers
If you truly dislike a coworker, you have two choices. First, you can choose to distance yourself. If you find their presence unbearable, it’s okay to remove yourself from interactions when possible. Second, you can try to build a workplace friendly relationship. Avoiding or distancing yourself from colleagues rarely results in positive change. Instead, making an effort to connect can improve your work experience.
One way to help shift your perspective is to use metaphors. For example, consider a person as a restaurant. You might go to a diner for the excellent burgers, even if their fries aren’t great. This metaphor encourages a mindset shift: instead of focusing on what you don’t like, focus on what you can appreciate.
Conclusion
If you are unhappy with the people you work with, it might feel tempting to leave for a better environment. However, the reality is that every workplace will have difficult personalities. Reframing your perspective and trying to build friendly relationships can be both rewarding and empowering. At the end of the day, making the effort to connect with coworkers can lead to greater happiness and success in your career.
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