In human communication, a simple pause can be transformative, altering how we relate to one another. This pause—what I call an “ecology of communication”—helps uncover hidden knowledge, creating new possibilities for dialogue and connection. My experience as a family therapist has shown me how effective pauses are in fostering understanding and resolving conflicts, a perspective that continues to shape my practice today.
Pausing is a key element in ecological communication, which views the whole as more than just the sum of its parts. This approach seeks to resolve conflicts by adopting a holistic perspective. Pausing creates a gap between deductive and inductive thinking, where new insights often emerge. According to Bruce Lipton in Biology of Belief (2005), our subconscious processes information at a rate of millions to one compared to our conscious minds, highlighting how much remains unseen during everyday communication.
Conflicts and paradoxes are common in our lives, but they often intensify when we engage in adversarial dynamics. Gregory Bateson referred to this as “schismogenesis”—the process of creating division. This division can take two forms: symmetrical, where both sides escalate the conflict (such as the arms race or couples blaming each other for unhappiness), or complementary, where one side dominates and the other submits (as in bullying).
Both forms of division are damaging, but pausing offers a solution. It allows us to gain a broader perspective, providing an opportunity to find creative outlets and resolve conflict. This is how nature works through the chaos of life, balancing messiness with beauty. The Greek concept of Gaia reflects this idea of maintaining balance and wholeness.
Pausing can trigger significant transitions, breaking the cycle of unresolved conflict. It opens the door to new possibilities, bringing forward information that may otherwise be overlooked. In this space, we experience what could be described as an evolutionary process—a chance to engage in creative, aesthetic improvisation that leads to unexpected rewards.
I recently had the opportunity to lead a discussion on Janet Planet, a film written and directed by Annie Baker, an award-winning playwright. The film explores the relationship between a single mother and her ten-year-old daughter, with long pauses used to highlight their interactions. The film is divided into four distinct vignettes, each revealing layers of communication between the characters, not just between mother and daughter, but also in other key relationships.
The film challenges the traditional flow of drama, creating disjointed scenes that force the audience to think deeply about what’s happening. It demonstrates the importance of pauses and what can emerge when contexts are not allowed to seamlessly intersect. By leaving gaps, Baker prompts viewers to question their assumptions and consider the multiple possible outcomes of the characters’ interactions.
As anthropologist Gregory Bateson often noted, “It takes two to know one.” This reminds us that communication is not just about content but about how different contexts interact. Pauses help facilitate this process by allowing us to engage with different layers of meaning. This transcontextual process—how multiple contexts form complex systems—supports our interdependence, not just with each other but with the world around us.
In my couples therapy practice, I use an exercise that encourages clients to pause and broaden their perspectives. After a period of “coherent breathing” to calm the nervous system, clients focus on their immediate issue. Then, they expand their view to include their community, the world, and all that it entails. After re-examining their issue with this broader lens, they pause again and share their insights through reflective, purposeful pauses. This exercise, used hundreds of times, has always led to new understanding and constructive ways forward in relationships.
So, next time you’re in a conversation or facing a challenge, try pausing. Allow the hidden thoughts and feelings to surface. Share them with others and appreciate the improvisational outcomes that come from this shared space. This simple act can lead to deeper connection, understanding, and growth.
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