Valentine’s Day often evokes images of love, roses, and romance, but in today’s world, it’s hard to ignore the growing ideological polarization in the headlines. As we celebrate this day of connection, it’s worth reflecting on how differing viewpoints affect not only our romantic relationships but also the wider world around us.
We are both researchers who specialize in close relationships. As professors and individuals navigating complex relationships in various aspects of life, we are constantly learning about the challenges and opportunities that arise when people with divergent beliefs come together. Understanding how to manage differences in perspective can help us approach both romantic and non-romantic relationships with greater grace.
Humans have a natural drive to assert our agency in the world, and one of the ways we do this is through close relationships. In these bonds, we take on the perspectives of our partners, gaining insight into their worldviews. Over time, this process enriches our understanding of both our partner and the world at large. While it can complicate things, it also broadens our thinking and fosters personal growth.
Psychologists often say that perception is more powerful than reality, especially in emotional situations. Our emotional reactions are shaped not only by what we experience but also by how we interpret those experiences. For example, imagine coming home to a messy kitchen. If we quickly assume, “My spouse is inconsiderate,” we may feel anger. However, if we instead think, “Something must have come up,” our emotional reaction might be more understanding and less charged.
When someone’s actions offend us—whether a romantic partner or an acquaintance on social media—it can help to pause and consider alternative explanations. By slowing down our thoughts and emotions, we open the door to more positive interactions and reduce stress.
Therapists working with couples often note that the worst type of conflict occurs when both partners feel so rejected by the other that they refuse to compromise, leading to a complete breakdown in communication. The key to overcoming this is to remain open to understanding each other. Only then can couples identify shared values, such as the universal desire to be loved and accepted, which lie beneath their differences.
When disagreements arise, it’s crucial to remember that people are multi-faceted and that no single belief defines them. By looking past our differences and seeking common ground, we can engage in more meaningful and productive conversations.
From childhood to adulthood, relationships provide the emotional security needed to explore the world, take risks, and grow. The behaviors that encourage romantic partners to take on new challenges are similar to those that help others feel supported in their endeavors.
At the heart of all positive relationships is the assumption that others have good intentions. Recognizing that people can make mistakes, respecting their thought processes, and striving to understand their perspectives can go a long way in fostering connection. This approach may just be the best Valentine’s Day gift we can give.
Jessica Borell, Ph.D., is an Associate Professor of Psychology and Social Behavior at the University of California, Irvine, and Clinical Director at emPATH Clinical Services in Newport Beach.
Debra Mashek, Ph.D., is a Professor of Social Psychology at Harvey Mudd College and Executive Director of Heterodox Academy.
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