When you feel threatened or stressed in a relationship, how do you react?
Many people believe that survival depends on individual strength—that only the strongest succeed. If you hold this belief, it may seem logical to puff yourself up when you’re under pressure. This instinct to appear more powerful, even temporarily, can calm the anxiety in your gut. But it may not truly help you.
Take, for example, something I witnessed at home. One of our cats, Lil Lil, came nose to nose with our Golden Retriever, Ginger. Normally, Lil Lil avoids Ginger at all costs. But this time, caught off guard, she instantly puffed up, fur standing on end, looking twice her size. This is a natural reaction known as piloerection—an automatic response triggered by the sympathetic nervous system. It’s meant to make an animal appear bigger and more threatening, even though it’s just air.
Humans do something similar. When threatened, we might brag about our achievements or exaggerate our importance—trying to look “bigger” than we are. But like Lil Lil, we’re often just full of air. This kind of response may make us seem strong, but it doesn’t address the deeper need behind the stress.
In today’s world, relationships and connections are key to our safety and well-being. When we feel stressed, the healthiest response may not be to puff up but to reach out. This activates a newer part of our nervous system called the smart vagus nerve. It helps calm us through connection and keeps us linked to others.
In strong communities, everyone has a role and every role matters. People support each other, creating safety through cooperation and interdependence. When we stay connected instead of trying to stand alone, we’re better equipped to handle stress—and we all thrive together.
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