A woman sat down in my office, her eyes filled with quiet sadness. “I’ve been married to a wonderful man for three years,” she said. “But here’s the thing: I love him, yet I’m not in love with him anymore. I don’t know what to do.”
I’ve heard this story many times from clients who feel the thrill of being “in love” fade amid everyday life. The excitement of early romance—the magic of discovery and dreams—often fades as daily pressures like work, bills, children, and aging parents take center stage. The sparkling fantasies that once filled a couple’s world begin to dim.
For some, this change sparks fear. Does it mean love is over? Is it time to move on? But for others, this shift is a new beginning. Beyond the illusions lies a deeper, more lasting love—a love grounded in reality, one that can bring joy and comfort for the long haul.
Why celebrate this shift?
Because real life is easier to live with than impossible ideals. Ashley, married eight years, shared this with me: “When Dan and I were dating, I’d rush to fix my hair and makeup so he wouldn’t see me first thing in the morning without any effort. Now, with two kids and busy lives, we don’t focus on those details. But Dan has seen me through so much more than messy hair, and our love is stronger than ever.”
Early love often centers on an idealized image. We see our partner through hopeful eyes, blending truth with fantasy. But real love grows when you accept the person fully, flaws and all. This acceptance builds emotional safety, comfort, and a joyful connection that lasts.
When you truly know each other, you lower the risk of disappointment. At first, there’s pressure to always be charming, attentive, and happy. But as you settle into the relationship, you understand that everyone has off days. You accept the crankiness, the disagreements, and the imperfections. You stop trying to mold your partner into a dream and instead embrace the real person.
Letting go of fantasies opens the door for surprises. My own marriage taught me this. I once imagined my husband Bob going back to college and earning a degree. He never did, but he built a successful career as a hydraulic engineer and found joy volunteering for over two decades. His true path surpassed any early dreams I had for him.
Lasting love thrives on friendship more than fairy tales. A friend who knows you well, accepts you fully, and loves you unconditionally is a priceless gift. Being that kind of friend to your partner makes love stronger.
So, if you feel the spark of being “in love” fading, don’t despair. Cherish the memories of early romance but choose to love each other as you are now. Commit to growing together, day by day, through all the years ahead.
Love changes—but it can deepen and endure in beautiful ways.
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