Growing up, my Mexican immigrant mother never stopped moving. Whether it was sweeping, mopping, doing laundry, or cooking, she was always multitasking. Despite working a full-time job, she managed to juggle everything at once, anticipating everyone’s needs without fail.
I knew she loved me deeply, but her love often felt hidden under layers of stress and frustration. It wasn’t because she didn’t care, but because she never learned to put herself first. In her world, a good woman prioritized everyone else—her children, her husband, even her coworkers—over her own needs. Self-care was a foreign concept to her.
I followed her example, pushing my own needs aside and focusing on everyone else. But over time, I realized I wasn’t happy. I felt overwhelmed and emotionally drained, and my loved ones bore the brunt of my exhaustion.
This struggle is common among many people, including my clients. They know they need self-care, but when it comes time to act, they freeze. The idea of taking time for themselves feels selfish. Guilt often creeps in, making them feel like they should be doing something more productive or available for others.
The Emotional Toll of Putting Others First
When you consistently neglect your own needs, it eventually impacts your relationships. In romantic partnerships, constantly prioritizing your partner’s needs leads to resentment. You might start silently keeping score, waiting for appreciation that never comes. Over time, this dynamic can result in dependence, where your partner expects you to do everything, trapping you in the role you created.
With children, the impact is even more significant. When they see you stressed and emotionally drained, they may internalize that they are a burden. Kids often struggle to separate your stress from their own self-worth. As they grow, they may struggle with independence and emotional regulation, relying on you for everything.
Many people find themselves caught in this cycle of overextending and withdrawing. You give until you’re empty, then pull away to recover, only to feel guilty and pulled back into the cycle.
Self-Care: The Key to Healthier Relationships
As a therapist, I often discuss love languages with clients. While acts of service, physical touch, and words of affirmation are common ways to express love, the energy behind these actions matters more than the actions themselves. Love cannot be truly received if it is offered out of exhaustion, bitterness, or distraction.
True love isn’t found in what we do but in how we show up. Being present, grounded, and emotionally available is far more powerful than the 10,000 tasks we think we need to complete to show our love.
Self-care should not be viewed as a selfish act but as a love language—a way to show those you care about that you want to be your best self, not just for your own sake but for theirs as well. By taking care of yourself, you avoid burnout and resentment, ensuring that your love can be fully given and received.
A Shift in Mindset
Changing this mindset requires a shift. Self-care is not just about meeting your own needs; it’s about nurturing your ability to love others without feeling drained. This might mean saying “no” when someone asks you to take on more, setting boundaries, or simply choosing rest over productivity.
This shift also involves letting go of the idea that you are responsible for others’ emotional well-being. Accepting that you can’t solve everyone’s problems allows you to choose yourself—something that may be uncomfortable but is necessary for your own health and the health of your relationships.
By making intentional choices that prioritize your well-being, you free yourself from worry and guilt, allowing love to flow freely. This kind of love is peaceful and unburdened by obligation.
Remember, shifting your mindset won’t happen overnight. Guilt will resurface, but instead of seeing it as a sign that you’re doing something wrong, recognize it as a reminder that you’re making necessary changes. Not just for you, but for everyone around you.
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