In over 40 years of working with couples in psychotherapy, I’ve often heard the complaint, “Stop trying to fix everything and just listen to me!” In heterosexual relationships, this is commonly voiced by women. Women are generally socialized to be more aware of the emotional dynamics in relationships, while men are often raised with a focus on competition, achievement, and responsibility for their partner’s happiness. This can lead men to perceive women as “too needy” or “impossible to please,” causing them to attempt fixing every issue that arises.
Men may feel that solving problems is their way of fulfilling their role, as well as a way to reduce the emotional tension in the relationship. However, this approach often frustrates both parties, as the man may feel he’s listening, simply by repeating what the woman has said, but the woman may still feel unheard. For clarity, I’ll refer to the person initiating the conversation as the “initiator” and the one responding as the “responder.”
Therapists often advise men to set aside their desire to “fix” problems and focus on listening more actively. While listening is certainly important in any relationship, there are times when a partner may need help solving a problem, not just a sympathetic ear.
One simple yet effective technique can prevent many conflicts: asking at the start of a conversation, “How can I be most helpful? Is this something you want my help fixing, or would you prefer I just listen?” While this might feel a bit awkward at first, it’s surprising how often it can prevent arguments by clarifying the conversation’s direction early on.
For responders, the challenge lies in guessing whether their partner wants help solving an issue or just needs a listener. As a psychotherapist, even after decades of practice, I still misjudge the situation half the time. By asking the question, responders can relax regardless of the answer. If the partner simply wants someone to listen, there’s no need to offer solutions. If the partner does want help, the responder can confidently step in, knowing they’ve spent a lifetime solving problems.
Most initiators haven’t fully thought through what kind of response would be most helpful. They’re simply bothered by something and want to talk about it with someone they trust. When the responder asks what type of help is needed, it encourages the initiator to clarify their own needs, leading to a more mutually satisfying interaction. Asking the question at the beginning boosts the chances of a successful conversation.
Listening might seem like a straightforward task, something everyone does daily without thinking. Yet, listening is more complex than it seems. Good listening involves hearing not just the words, but also the emotions behind them. Research shows that only about 20 percent of communication comes from the content of what’s said; the other 80 percent comes from the emotional context, body language, and unspoken signals.
Imagine your partner is talking about a new job she’s applying for, expressing insecurity and fear of disappointment. As you listen, you notice her excitement despite her words. Her body language—wide eyes, rapid speech, and leaning forward—betrays her nervous excitement. A thoughtful response could be, “It’s interesting how you’re talking about being scared, but I can sense you’re also excited.” This kind of deeper listening not only makes your partner feel truly heard but may also encourage her to explore her excitement more openly. It can bring you closer as a couple and foster more genuine understanding.
By improving how we listen and understand each other, couples can navigate conflict more effectively and strengthen their connection.
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