It’s hard to admit your vulnerability. We have always been taught to be strong people. So showing weakness seems to us to be extremely difficult, even impossible. In fact, not to be outdone, we do not know what it means to be strong. We misunderstand being strong, we always think that being as strong as steel is strong, we always think that not crying is being strong, and we think that being calm is being strong. The grass seems fragile and weak, but it can penetrate the reinforced concrete and still grow green. The truth is often not what we think it is. The truth is always beyond the comprehension of our minds. This is also the beauty of nature. I remember one time on a plane, a child was crying all the time, which made me feel very irritable. When the irritability rose, I had already been defeated by that child, that child who was helpless. My heart has been affected and literally controlled. That irritability is the hand that grabs the heart, accompanied by nervousness. That irritability was burning inside, and my expression was a smile. The inner language seems to say, I will not show weakness, am I not as good as a child? The heart is actually a great disobedience.
When I try to resist that tension and restlessness, I tighten up even more. That taste is not good, I don’t know if you have had the same experience as me, there is an urge to not stay for a moment, just want to escape. Running away was the only thought in my head. When the external conditions do not allow escape, the heart is very crazy, but the external can not show that kind of crazy. The idea of running away made the madness in my heart even stronger. Then I was stuck in a pulling, an inner struggle.
Many times we are unconsciously influenced or controlled by others because of our inner resistance. We have deep mechanisms within us to not accept our own vulnerability. Once our brains are stimulated, we automatically respond like machines. When we feel in control of others, we feel powerless, angry or sad, we choose to cope by suppressing or avoiding isolation. We try to get rid of the effects of this energy on us. We don’t want to see the truth, we mostly stay in the fight against our inner emotions, how can I be angry? How can I be irritable? How can I be sad? Stop, it’s not allowed! We never allow emotions flow through us. We cannot be natural. We can’t sit still, there are so many voices in our heads, so loud that we can’t really hear our hearts at all. We are overwhelmed by the struggle and completely unaware.
When I stay in resistance, I can’t really feel my heart. In fact, every occurrence, every person you meet, is to help us grow. I feel relieved when I admit my vulnerability. I admit that I am vulnerable when someone judges or blames me. I am willing to open my heart, I see my wounds, now, before. Because I know that what hurts me must be what I have covered up or forgotten in the past. I no longer suppress the feelings of my heart, I am willing to open up to experience. I know I’m on my way home.
