“Once a person becomes dependent, he becomes a kindergartener waiting for someone to pick him up.” In life, whether it is with family members or with friends, it is inevitable that people will rely on others or be dependent on others. Whether it is worthy of reliance is also an important basis for judging whether a relationship is intimate. The more trustworthy and reliable people are, the more intimate we are. However, if we rely too much on others, it will also bring us many problems.
People who are always dependent on others are often more vulnerable inside. They tend to pay special attention to other people’s views of themselves, and will regard others as more important than themselves, and always hope to get the attention and recognition of others. Therefore, when they get along with others, they will subconsciously cater to others and please others, and are always affected by the emotions of others. Many times, they are also aware of the dangers of over-dependence. For example, feeling lost, not getting the respect from the heart of others when getting along with others. They also often feel pain for their own weakness, but it is difficult to get rid of it. If the degree of dependence on others is too serious, it is possible to form a dependent personality.
The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders defines characteristics of dependent personality as:
- Inability to make decisions about everyday matters without getting a lot of advice and reassurance from others.
- A sense of helplessness, letting others make most of the important decisions for themselves, such as where to live, what career to choose, etc.
- A sense of abandonment. Knowing that others are wrong, he also agrees, because he is afraid of being abandoned by others.
- Without independence, it is difficult to plan or do things alone.
- Excessive tolerance, willing to do low things or things that you don’t want to do in order to please others.
- Feeling uncomfortable and helpless when alone, or trying to escape loneliness.
- Feeling helpless or broken down when an intimate relationship ends.
- Often tormented by the idea of being abandoned.
- It is easy to be hurt by not being praised or criticized. As long as five of the above-mentioned characteristics are met, a dependent personality can be diagnosed.
So, when there are so many bad things, why do some people develop the habit of being overly dependent? Every pattern of behavior that we have doesn’t happen for no reason, it must exist in some way Being able to meet our needs has a rewarding value for us. The greatest benefit of being dependent on others is that we don’t need to face the problems and risks in life ourselves, we just need to push them onto the people we depend on. In this way, even if there is a problem, we don’t have to feel remorse and self-blame for it, because we will put the blame on others and let others be responsible. It’s like the psychotherapist Pina said, “Those who don’t make decisions are waiting for others to make decisions for them, so they don’t have to take any responsibility for the wrong choices.” In addition, always relying on others also Our beliefs about ourselves are related. The two most typical core beliefs of people with low self-worth are “I am incompetent” and “I am unpopular”. Such a self-cognition bias will also lead them to unconsciously put themselves in a supporting role when interacting with others, believing that others are right, and willing to obey and be dominated by others. While being dominated can damage their self-esteem, the upside is that they can find a sense of identity and belonging in a relationship so they don’t feel lonely anymore. Of course, if the psychological dependence is too strong, even if you get along with others, you will be recognized by others, but this recognition is at the cost of obedience and loss of self, so it is difficult to win the respect of others.
So, what can we do to change our psychological dependence? First of all, we must enhance our sense of independence. For those who are accustomed to dependence, the reason why they always rely on others is to a large extent they are afraid of facing the difficulties and pains in their lives, so they rely on others to eliminate the pain. This is like those who are insecure, always looking for a sense of security from their family members or loved ones. The result is that the more they rely, the more insecure they become. And we all know that the real sense of security can only be given to ourselves. In the same way, the best way to overcome setbacks and pain is not to avoid or rely on others, but to face the problem and find a way to solve it. In this way, when we encounter such problems again, the problem is no longer a problem. Secondly, it is not enough to just want to be independent and to make your own decisions, the more important thing is to practice. Only in specific life and work, under inner torment and pressure, do some things alone, and find that we can do it well, and truly feel that sense of competence, can we truly change the way we rely on others. mental inertia.
Finally, I would like to say that for those who are accustomed to being dependent, they should cherish the difficulties and even the desperate situations in their lives. Because only in such a situation can you realize how unreliable it is to rely on others, so as to inspire yourself to make decisions for yourself and fully rely on your own determination and potential. For people who always rely on others, when you find that there is not even a life-saving straw around you, you will truly realize that you are your last rely on yourself.
