With over one million views, my most popular TikTok video explores the importance of interpersonal validation. The video likely resonates with viewers because relationships can be challenging, and building meaningful social connections plays a significant role in mental health. Yet, it’s one of the hardest skills to develop. Most people aren’t taught how to manage conflict, express their needs, or be a good listener.
Although relationships don’t come with an instruction manual, evidence-based therapies, like dialectical behavior therapy (DBT), offer practical techniques for improvement. DBT includes a variety of interpersonal skills, along with strategies for emotion regulation, mindfulness, and distress tolerance. Among these, one of my favorite skills to teach is validation.
What is Validation and Why is it Important?
In DBT’s treatment manual, Marsha Linehan defines validation as acknowledging that someone’s emotions, responses, and experiences make sense. Everyone wants to feel heard, seen, and understood. Validation provides that experience.
Validation helps with emotion regulation, de-escalates conflicts, and supports loved ones through painful moments. It is often the key to building close, trusting, and safe relationships. For this reason, I consider validation a “superpower” when teaching it to my clients.
The good news is, validation is a skill anyone can learn. DBT offers six clear strategies for validating others.
1. Pay Attention
The first step in validation is being fully present. To make someone feel seen and heard, you must actively listen. Put away distractions like your phone and focus on the conversation. Use non-verbal cues, such as nodding or saying small words like “mm-hmm,” to show you’re engaged. Giving someone your full attention tells them that what they’re saying matters.
2. Reflect Back
Rephrasing what someone has said shows you’re listening. Repeat their exact words or ask clarifying questions to demonstrate your understanding. For example, if your friend is stressed about work, you could say, “That sounds stressful” or simply repeat, “You’ve been really stressed.”
3. “Read Minds”
This technique involves guessing what the person may be feeling, even if they haven’t expressed it directly. For instance, if your friend is talking about her grandmother’s hospital visit but not sharing her emotions, you could say, “That must be scary for you.” This gives them the space to open up further.
However, be cautious. If your guess is wrong, it can feel invalidating. If you’re uncertain, try phrasing it as a question: “Are you feeling anxious?”
4. Understand
This skill involves showing that you understand why the person feels the way they do, based on their unique situation, history, or perspective. Recognize that every emotion has a trigger. Even if you don’t feel the same way, validating their feelings can help them feel understood. For example, “It makes sense that you’re nervous about the holidays, especially since your family has been critical in the past.”
5. Acknowledge the Valid
While “Understand” is about recognizing the reasons behind someone’s emotions, “Acknowledge the Valid” focuses on how their feelings are natural based on the circumstances. For example, “Of course, you feel sad after a breakup.”
Be mindful: sometimes acknowledging the valid is more effective than trying to explain why someone feels the way they do. For instance, if you’re late to dinner, your friend may appreciate hearing, “Of course you’re upset, I was late” rather than any explanation about their mood.
6. Show Equality
This validation technique emphasizes treating the other person as an equal. Approach the conversation with authenticity, showing compassion without making the person feel fragile or inferior. Validate them while also recognizing your own emotions, without creating a power imbalance.
Final Thoughts
Remember, validation doesn’t mean you agree with the person. Even if you disagree or have a different perspective, you can still validate their feelings. It takes practice, especially when you don’t fully understand the other person’s emotions, but over time, it can strengthen your relationships and create a deeper sense of connection.
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