Receiving love can be just as challenging as giving it, especially for those who struggle to accept support, appreciation, and encouragement. Some people deflect compliments, dismiss words of confidence, and disregard praise, which can weaken their relationships. However, the issue often starts long before the relationship itself—it stems from early life experiences that shape a person’s identity and emotional defenses, preventing them from fully embracing love and care.
Harville Hendrix, Ph.D., and his wife Helen LaKelly Hunt, Ph.D., co-authors of Receiving Love: Transform Your Relationship by Letting Yourself Be Loved, suggest that this resistance to love is common. In fact, it’s a key reason many relationships fail to improve, even when one partner makes a conscious effort to change behaviors and offer support. Despite being generous themselves, some individuals find it difficult to accept the good things their partners offer.
This defensive attitude can be recognized by a partner, but it often leads to frustration. The partner may not understand why their mate is resistant to love and, eventually, may stop offering it altogether. This cycle can escalate, causing tension and unhappiness in the relationship.
Hendrix and Hunt link this behavior to a “broken receiver”—a part of us that is damaged during childhood. When children are ridiculed, ignored, or punished for expressing natural emotions, they learn to hide their feelings as a form of self-protection. As adults, they may develop self-rejection and reject their partner’s genuine expressions of love.
To address this issue, Hendrix and Hunt recommend developing compassion and adopting some of the traits you find challenging in your partner. By learning to love your partner, you also learn to love yourself, and this mutual exchange of love becomes part of the healing process.
Creating a reparative relationship, they explain, requires improving emotional awareness and tolerance for stress. This can be done by:
- Putting feelings into words
- Connecting experience to meaning
- Identifying what triggers anxiety
- Integrating thoughts with feelings
These skills help unify the emotional and cognitive aspects of the self, which not only improves psychological well-being but also reduces stress when discussing difficult topics.
The first step is learning to listen to your partner without judgment. Asking questions like, “Tell me what happens inside you when I express love?” opens up the conversation about emotions and past experiences. This approach fosters acceptance and emotional connection.
Empathy is also crucial. When you empathize with your partner’s feelings, saying something like, “This must feel scary to you,” it helps them feel understood and safe. Over time, this builds trust and encourages openness.
However, for this process to work, both partners must stop viewing themselves as victims and release the need for parental approval. Emotional growth requires shedding childhood vulnerabilities and embracing the maturity needed to foster a healthier, more open relationship.
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