Relationships can be challenging, and understanding how to navigate them effectively is a skill that many people lack. One of the most important aspects of healthy relationships is the ability to foster meaningful connections, which directly impacts mental health. However, most individuals aren’t taught how to resolve conflicts, assert their needs, or be a good listener. Fortunately, therapies like Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) offer valuable tools for improving these skills. One of the most powerful techniques I teach in DBT is validation.
What is Validation and Why is It Important?
Validation, as defined by DBT creator Marsha Linehan, means acknowledging that someone’s emotions, responses, and experiences make sense. Everyone wants to feel seen, heard, and understood, and validation helps provide that experience.
This technique can de-escalate conflicts, regulate emotions, and support loved ones during difficult times. It’s key to building trust and intimacy in relationships. For these reasons, I consider validation to be a “superpower.”
Luckily, validation is a skill that can be learned, and DBT outlines six practical ways to practice it.
1. Pay Attention
The first step to validating someone is to be fully present. Avoid distractions like your phone or multitasking. Let the person know you’re actively listening through body language, such as nodding or using sounds like “mm-hmm” or “wow.” By doing so, you show that what they’re saying is important to you.
2. Reflect Back
Repeating what the person has said is another form of validation. For example, if a friend shares that they are stressed because of a work conflict, you could say, “That conflict sounds stressful.” You could also ask clarifying questions like, “What’s been the most stressful part?” This shows that you’re genuinely listening and engaged.
3. “Read Minds”
Sometimes, people don’t explicitly express their feelings, but you can validate their emotions by guessing them. If your friend is talking about a stressful situation involving a family member but doesn’t mention their emotions, you could say, “That sounds really scary.” If you’re unsure, phrasing it as a question, such as, “Are you feeling anxious?” gives the person a chance to clarify their emotions.
4. Understand
This validation technique communicates that you understand why someone is feeling the way they do, based on their situation or past experiences. For example, if someone feels nervous about going home for the holidays, you might say, “It makes sense that you’d feel that way, given how your family has treated you in the past.” This shows empathy and helps the person feel understood.
5. Acknowledge the Valid
This approach highlights that the person’s emotions are reasonable, given the circumstances. For example, after a breakup, it’s natural to feel sad, and acknowledging this can be validating. If someone’s upset because you’re late to dinner, validating their feelings by acknowledging the situation—like saying, “I understand you’re upset because I’m late”—will be more effective than mentioning any other factors, such as their mood or health.
6. Show Equality
When validating, treat the other person as an equal. Don’t act superior or dismiss their feelings. It’s important to recognize their emotions as valid without belittling them. By doing so, you maintain a respectful and compassionate relationship.
Final Thoughts
Validation is not about agreeing with someone or condoning their behavior. It’s about recognizing that their feelings are legitimate, even if you don’t share them. It can be difficult to validate someone when you don’t fully understand their perspective, but with practice, it becomes easier and more natural.
Related topics:
