Despite high divorce rates and the increasing challenges couples face, many of us still struggle to understand what makes a marriage successful. With 60% of second marriages ending in failure, it’s clear that many of us are still not learning from our past mistakes. So, can we learn from others’ successful marriages?
Researchers have spent years studying what makes a marriage thrive. By analyzing communication styles, measuring physiological responses, and observing couples’ interactions, they’ve created a guide to maintaining a healthy, lasting relationship.
Understanding the Stages of Marriage
Liberty Kovacs, Ph.D., a marital therapist, believes that relationships develop over time through six distinct stages. Each stage comes with its own challenges, and while the journey may seem predictable, it’s rarely smooth. According to Kovacs, the challenges faced by couples aren’t tied to the length of their marriage—some couples remain stuck on the same issue for years.
The first stage is often described as a “honeymoon phase,” where partners are enamored with each other and see each other as perfect. This stage is crucial for building trust and a sense of belonging. But as individual goals and external interests emerge, some partners may feel betrayed, triggering the need for mutual acceptance of differences.
In the second stage, couples face self-doubt and disappointment, often questioning, “What’s wrong with me?” As they navigate external pressures, it becomes essential for couples to set boundaries and strengthen their sense of togetherness.
Later stages bring increased independence, leading to power struggles as both partners try to assert control. Emotional battles often erupt as both struggle to retain their sense of identity within the marriage. However, Kovacs stresses that the key to overcoming these challenges is learning to negotiate and express differences without damaging the relationship.
By the fourth stage, one partner may desire time apart, seeking space for personal reflection. While temporary separations can help, Kovacs warns against looking for solutions in other relationships. Surviving these turbulent times can lead to greater intimacy in later stages, where couples gain a stronger sense of mutual identity.
The Importance of Communication and Conflict Resolution
Dr. Howard Markman, a psychologist at the University of Denver, has conducted studies showing that the ability to resolve conflicts is a key predictor of marital success. Couples who develop strong communication and problem-solving skills early in their marriage are more likely to maintain satisfaction in the long term.
In his studies, Markman found that couples who communicated openly before marriage were better prepared for the challenges that arose later. He argues that financial and sexual problems, often blamed for marital breakdowns, aren’t the core issues. Instead, it’s how couples manage their differences that determines whether their relationship will endure.
Markman has also developed a program called PREP (Premarital Relationship Enhancement Program) to teach couples how to argue constructively. Research shows that couples who learn these skills before marriage have a significantly lower divorce rate and report higher levels of satisfaction.
Managing Negative Emotions
One of the most significant aspects of a successful marriage is the ability to manage negative emotions. Markman’s research suggests that couples who are able to work through their disagreements, without letting anger or resentment build up, are more likely to stay together. But learning to manage conflict isn’t always easy. Many couples repeat patterns from their childhood or past relationships that hinder communication.
Dr. John Gottman, a psychologist at the University of Washington, found that men often withdraw emotionally during conflicts, a behavior he calls “stonewalling.” This can create a negative cycle, with partners becoming more frustrated and disconnected. For a marriage to thrive, both partners need to break out of these patterns and engage in positive conflict resolution.
The Role of Affection in Marriage
While managing conflict is essential, it’s not the only key to a successful marriage. Research shows that couples who express affection through humor, empathy, and active listening are more likely to remain satisfied in their relationship. In fact, expressing love and appreciation can help couples navigate difficult times.
Studies show that couples who share fun experiences and affection are more likely to stay together. In contrast, couples who don’t express affection often struggle with dissatisfaction. Positive reinforcement—whether through a kind word or a loving gesture—helps keep a marriage strong and enduring.
Conclusion
Marriage is a dynamic process that requires ongoing adaptation, growth, and communication. By learning to manage conflict, communicate effectively, and express love, couples can create lasting relationships. As researchers like Markman and Kovacs continue to study marriage, they offer hope that with the right skills and mindset, couples can navigate the ups and downs of married life and build a strong, resilient relationship.
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