In a recent New York Times article by Tammy La Gorce, actress Mo’Nique and her husband, Sidney Hicks, shared insights into their long-term open marriage. Despite facing criticism, the couple maintains that their unconventional relationship works for them. The article cited my views on open marriages and psychological health, which I would like to elaborate on further.
Open marriage, as it exists today, is a modern adaptation of ideas first popularized in the early 1970s through the book The Open Marriage and the film Bob and Carol and Ted and Alice. It reflects a broader societal shift toward greater freedom in defining intimate relationships. People are increasingly seeking relationships that feel fulfilling and meaningful to them, irrespective of traditional norms.
This evolution represents a growing desire to create relationships based on personal fulfillment. As individuals progress through life in a changing society, it becomes clear that relationships can work in diverse ways for different people. It’s important to keep an open mind, especially when evaluating psychological health. Our judgments can often be clouded by cultural norms and shared ideologies.
For instance, Kim, a divorced woman in her 40s, maintains a satisfying relationship with a man who also has a lifelong connection with the mother of his children. This arrangement works well for them. We might not personally understand or approve of it, but we should respect what works for them.
To truly understand why some choose open marriages or other forms of non-traditional relationships, it’s crucial to see them within the context of a larger shift in how we view emotional and sexual connections. Polyamory, for example, involves multiple romantic relationships where all parties are aware of each other. Studies suggest that many polyamorous individuals report positive outcomes from their relationships, with good feelings in one relationship enhancing the others.
Open marriage is now often referred to as a consensually non-monogamous (CNM) relationship. Recent research indicates that up to 40% of men and 25% of women in monogamous relationships would consider a CNM if open relationships were the norm. This highlights a continuum in relationship preferences, with some people embracing complete monogamy, others fully non-monogamy, and many somewhere in between.
Additionally, many couples are opting for long-term cohabitation rather than formal marriage. They may call each other “husband” or “wife,” yet do not feel the need for legal recognition. Marriage, for them, is not a path to happiness but merely a legal contract that doesn’t inherently legitimize their commitment.
Some even predict that polygamy could be the next frontier in marriage laws, following the legalization of same-sex marriage. If the law recognizes marriages between same-sex couples, it may eventually allow polygamous unions as well.
Another aspect of evolving relationships is how people define “family.” Families today are more diverse than ever, with varying ethnic, racial, religious, and relational compositions. This shift is reflected in changing perspectives on what family and couplehood look like.
Critics of these evolving relationship structures often hold rigid, ideological views. In the Times article, relationship expert Helen Fisher argued that open marriages are doomed to fail, claiming they are biologically incompatible and create unworkable rules. However, there is no scientific evidence to support Fisher’s claims. Relationship columnist Dan Savage has pointed out that such views are rooted in personal beliefs rather than empirical research.
Mo’Nique and Hicks, in their interview, emphasized that their marriage works because it is built on openness and honesty. “Defining what makes a marriage work is like asking one’s interpretation of success,” Hicks said. Mo’Nique added, “For us, it’s defined by openness and not fear. What we have is real and honest.”
Their perspective highlights the importance of understanding and respecting diverse relationship choices. In a world that is constantly evolving, we must remain open to the idea that many different types of relationships can contribute to happiness and wellbeing, reflecting the changing needs and experiences of people today.
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